For The Very First Time
by finnatically
Summary: Brian meets Dan for the first time. Will it be love at first sight, or is this to be their only meeting?


_Dedicated to SSSammiSue who inspired me to write again._

* * *

I guess it's no secret now that I finally got the courage to ask Dan out, and he accepted. It's not an actual date, at least not exactly. Dan's going to film us walking around the mall. I'll be his tag along. What Dan doesn't know is that I've dreamed about this meeting. I want him. And I want him badly.

Things haven't worked out for me with dating girls. I tried dating a guy once before, but it was a disaster. He wanted action, but that's not the kind of person I am. I like getting to know people. I like poking around in their heads and figuring out what makes them tick. I'm an explorer, an adventurer, and I'm also a romantic.

I ended things with that first guy almost as soon as they began. He was pressuring me to get into bed with him, and I just wasn't ready for it. I was a baby gay, and I needed to be around my own kind, not someone who acted like a reject from "To Catch A Predator."

I've always been goal oriented. My family has had its share of good fortune, but we've also had all the normal challenges, too. My parents instilled in me solid values. They taught me to love my community and to treat others with kindness. So when I accidentally stumbled upon Dan's YouTube channel, I knew I had to know more about him. I was drawn to him. He was so quirky and funny in his videos. But he was also compellingly honest and open. He had a childlike wonder in how he approached the world, but he was sophisticated in his style and demeanor. His videos helped me deal with any lingering doubts I'd had about my own coming out process. The way he carried himself made me want to smile.

After I sent Dan a postcard while my family was on vacation overseas, I followed it up with an email when I got back home. Our virtual courtship was innocent and almost old-fashioned. I wanted to let him know I wasn't a stalker and that I would never try to hurt him. I wanted a friend, and maybe someday, something more.

When Dan asked online for boyfriend applications, I filled one out and emailed it to him as quickly as I could. I didn't hear anything from him for a while. He said something on one of his weekly live video chats about it, but he didn't mention anything specific about who interested him.

Imagine my surprise when I opened my email one day to find out that my application had moved to the front of the line. It took me by surprise. I thought to myself, can I really be this lucky? The next morning, Dan emailed me again to ask if we could meet face to face.

The day of our first encounter seemed to take forever to come. Normally decisive, I had a hard time trying to figure out what to wear. I took a shower to try to relax myself, and I finally settled on a J. Crew themed outfit, crisp, clean and classic. I had to bribe my dad to drive me to the mall. I told him I'd do a bunch of chores that my mom was after him to get done in exchange for a ride.

Once we got there, I was nervous until I saw Dan get out of his car and walk to our designated meet up spot at the entrance to Nordstrom. I said a quick goodbye to my dad, and then I went to introduce myself to Dan. I tried to play it cool. I tried not to walk too quickly. The truth is that my heart was pounding inside my chest. Dan was everything that I'd seen online and so much more. He was dressed sharply. His face was angular with classically chiseled features. I had to catch my breath before speaking to him. He was slightly shorter than me, but he had a commanding presence that fascinated me. I stole glances at him. I tried to drink him in with my eyes. I was thirsty.

"Hi, mallow610," I offered.

"So you must be Lafond66?" Dan replied mischievously.

"Yes," I said.

Then I swept Dan off his feet and kissed him like there would be no tomorrow. We devoured each other like the most savory of foods and the most flavorful of wines.

Wait. That last part is a lie. I just stood there for a moment shuffling my feet until Dan broke the silence by saying, "So, want to walk around the mall with me for a bit?"

Eager to break the awkwardness between us, I replied, "Sure!"

Dan broke off at a fast pace, turning to ask me, "Ok if I film some of this?"

I said, "Sure, just promise you won't make me look like a dork."

Dan laughed and said, "That's not up to me. That's up to you." He giggled, looked at me and then started chatting to the camera.

I followed along beside Dan like a lost puppy. He led the way, stopping every so often to say something to me and occasionally swinging the camera toward my face. I just half-grinned in response. I didn't exactly burn the lens up with my commentary. I was holding back on purpose. I was gauging Dan's reactions. I caught him a few times checking me out. I was fine with that. I was doing plenty of ogling, too.

Inside my head, it felt like a loud party was raging. All my senses were on fire in a way that I could never recall before. I could smell the sweet fragrance of his cologne, Bleu de Chanel, I think he said it was, and it made me dizzy. I kept taking lingering looks at the lines of his beautifully proportioned body. He was thin but toned with deliciously milky white skin. His hair was stylishly short and a soft shade of brown. It made my own slightly longer mop of hair look messy by comparison.

"Oh, don't. You're touching me," Dan said. This startled me out of my thoughts for just a moment, and I realized I'd accidentally brushed one of my arms against him. I whispered a quick, "Sorry." I was a little embarrassed by this, but I wouldn't have minded holding his hand.

As it got darker and closer to the mall's closing time, we went back to Dan's car. I worried that this would be the end of our night. There was just so much more that I wanted to know about him. Everything, actually. But, without the camera on. I didn't want Dan to feel like he had to be on display. I just wanted to talk until I had no breath left in me. Most of all, I didn't want to go home until I knew that we'd see each other again.

"Hop in. We can sit here for a while until you're ready to call your dad," Dan said.

The car doors shut, and we sat in silence for a few minutes. My hands were fidgeting in my lap, but they wanted to be elsewhere. They wanted to run through Dan's beautifully textured hair. They desired to rest on his soft hands. It was as though I could feel an electrical charge flowing between us without any contact being made. I wanted to hold him so badly. Whatever this chemistry was between us, it was more than a crush. It was something that I'd never felt before. It left me on edge. It left me unable to sort and sift through facts and observations in my head like I'd always been able to do. I was having a hard time remembering my own name while I was in Dan's presence.

The thought of rejection was one that I couldn't bear to think about. What if I wasn't tall enough or built enough? Was I masculine enough? Was I wearing the right clothes?

I finally gathered the nerve to break the silence. I asked Dan, "Would it bother you if I held your hand for a little while?"

Dan turned to me, and at first, I couldn't read his expression. His eyes held an immeasurable kindness, and that's when it all spilled out. He began to tell me about his life. He told me about the rough patches with his mom. He described how accepting she had been when he told her he was gay. He told me how things were not so good between he and his father. He told me how much it had hurt him not having that male influence in his life anymore. I listened intently. So many things he said were things I'd also been through or felt. It was so difficult to imagine someone who helped bring Dan into this world not totally loving this amazingly gorgeous and compassionate creature sitting beside me.

For all the pain that Dan described, he also exuded a powerful inner light that kept shining like a laser through all the challenges he'd had. His videos had an innate joy to them. He acted like a sophisticated fashion-forward person, but inside there was this gentle person who just wanted to be accepted for who he was. I empathized with him. That's all I'd ever wanted, too.

It had taken me weeks of watching Dan's videos to get to a point where I felt the courage to write him that first postcard. When he read my postcard on his vlog, I almost fell out of my chair. I couldn't believe that THE mallow610 had picked my card to share with everyone online. After filling out the boyfriend application that I sent him, I was even more surprised when he got in touch with me.

To now be sitting in his car, just across from him with my hand finally grasping his was too much for me to handle. My eyes started to well with tears of pure joy.

"What's wrong? Am I saying too much? Did I upset you?" Dan said.

"No, no, you're fine," I sniffled. "It's just that I've never had this before. Talking honestly about these kinds of feelings. I always had conversations with myself. My family wouldn't understand. My older brother was a police officer and had his own life. I never acted macho like him. I was always a geeky nerd. I guess I know I have a good life, but something has always been missing. Being here with you, being in this seat next to you, I'd trade everything I have, even my Pokémon cards, just to spend time with someone like you. I knew the moment I saw you online that I had to meet you. Somehow, you get me. I feel like we've known each other forever."

"Your Pokémon cards? Wow. Ok. And people tell me I overshare," Dan blurted out.

My expression immediately turned to hurt.

Dan added, "Oh wait, no, look, I was just being sarcastic. I didn't mean that. I get scared when things get serious. I'm usually entertaining myself. I think it's cute that you collect Pokémon cards."

"I haven't looked at them in years," I said, my cheeks freshly blushed. I was already feeling better. "But you are serious sometimes. The video you did with your mom. That was powerful stuff. I know it helped a lot of people," I said.

I added, more softly, "It helped me."

"Talking to Babz about being gay was the hardest thing I've ever had to do." Dan trailed off for a second, then added, "Wait, what do you mean it helped you? You were already out by the time you saw that, right?"

"Kind of. Telling my mom and my aunt weren't exactly the easiest conversations I've ever had. But there was still so much baggage I had to deal with," I said.

By this point, tears were welling in my eyes, again. Damn it. I didn't want to cry in front of him. But, I was still sensitive about being labelled as gay. I wasn't ashamed of it. I was trying to cope with the emotions that I'd hidden for so long. In hindsight, my first failed relationship with a guy had been an important stepping stone on my journey to being with Dan here, tonight.

"I thought you were out when you started watching my channel on YouTube?" Dan asked, quizzically.

"Well, technically I was. I mean I've never spoken about it to my dad or to my brothers," I said. "I love them, but I thought my mom and aunt could spread the news around the family without me having to do it," I said.

"Well, if you ask me, there's no right way or wrong way to come out. There's just your way. The way that's right for you," Dan said.

This made me smile. I felt a huge weight come off my chest. I had been so worried about how Dan might react to me. I was a strange duck. Most people either loved me or didn't want anything to do with me. I knew a range of random facts, and I had experience with a lot of different things. I liked technical stuff. I liked photography. I liked pinball. I liked politics, and I considered myself a news junkie. I had been on the rescue squad in college. I'd been on foreign missions to help people who had nothing. I wanted to call myself a renaissance man to other people, but I didn't want to come off as being cocky or conceited.

Dan asked me if I wanted to go for a ride. I'd never been driving around with someone who I hadn't known for a while, but with Dan, I knew I was safe, but not extremely safe, as I soon found out.

Dan drove fast. Really fast. He also got impatient when he was in traffic. He had places to go, and the world was not about to get in his way. Thankfully, it was late, so the traffic was nowhere near what it would have been in the middle of the day. We made light conversation and listened to the radio. Dan sang along at times, especially when they played a Britney Spears song. I drank in every moment of our time together. Dan made me calm and centered. My heart, open and searching for truth, had found a critical part that I knew I had to have to complete me.

As quickly as the night began, it seemed like an instant before we were back in the parking lot in time for my Dad to pick me up. Dan told me he was going home to wait for Diablo III's release on . I knew what he was talking about. I was a big gamer, myself. I gave him a half hug, cut off from full contact by the confines of his car, and then got out.

My ride back home had me completely occupied with where our budding friendship might lead. The course was unsure. It seemed like there might be a path for Dan and me, though. I got excited, hopeful and full of butterflies at the thought of seeing him again. Just a few short weeks before we met, I thought I was going to get a job, move out on my own and try out the New York City social scene. What I didn't know until this night was that sometimes love leads us on the most unexpected and life-altering detours.

I got home, got ready for bed, and I laid my head on my pillow. My cat jumped up on me, almost landing directly on my stomach. Those paws felt like bowling pins as he walked across me. Thoughts kept rushing into my mind. What if Dan was just being nice to me? What if he really did think I was just a creepy stalker? Why would he have invited me into his car then? What if I wasn't cute enough? I never liked the way I looked. I didn't think I was muscular enough.

I closed my eyes, and then I popped them open again. The clock said it was almost 3:00 AM. Didn't Dan say this was when Diablo III would be released? I hesitated for a moment, looked down at my cat, and said, "What have I got to lose?"

With this, I picked up the phone and called him. I think I startled the cat because he jumped off my legs and went under the bed. I almost gave up after the third ring. Just as I was about to hang up, Dan answered the phone.

"Hello?"

"Hey, it's Brian."

"Oh, hey. Kinda glad you called. Diablo III is taking forever to load. I think everyone must be trying to get on now."

"Would you mind if I talked to you while you wait?" I said.

"Ok. But I make no promises if this thing finishes loading," Dan replied.

I took this as my cue. I told Dan about wanting to connect with someone special. I told him that I didn't intend to let my guard down with just anyone. I gave him a hundred reasons why I was worth getting to know. I told him that even though we lived three hours apart, I would make time for him in my life if he was willing to do the same for me. I stopped talking when I realized that he hadn't said a word in a while.

There was almost complete silence on the other end of the line. What had I done? Had I scared him? Was this over before it began?

"Dan, are you there?" I asked, slightly alarmed, uncertain if we'd gotten disconnected. I heard a slight fumbling with the phone.

After a long pause, I thought I could hear a faint sound that sounded distinctly like sniffling.

"Dan, are you still there?" I said.

"I'm here. I think my allergies are acting up."

"Are you sure? You sound upset."

There was another long pause. This time the sound got a little more intense.

"Ok. Fine. I'm crying. Are you satisfied? But it's only because I need to know one more thing to fully consider your boyfriend application," Dan said.

I stifled a laugh, relieved.

"Ok, what is it?" I said.

Almost as soon as the words were out of my mouth, Dan replied, "Why did it take you twenty-four years to come into my life?"

"If I was there right now, I'd kiss you," I said.

"Well, what's stopping you, mister?" Dan replied.

"About three hours worth of driving, but you give me just a few days, and I can get that figured out," I said eagerly.

I was started to drift into a light slumber. I don't really remember how we ended the conversation. I do remember having the most peaceful and content night's rest that I'd ever known. I had dreams of many dates with Dan. My subconscious mind worked out lazy days that we spent laying on the couch, holding each other, eating popcorn and watching cheesy romantic comedies. I imagined beautifully romantic evenings spent on my parent's boat. In just one night, I conjured up a lifetime's worth of bliss for us both.

I woke up the next morning to an Instagram photo of Dan playing Diablo III, but I noticed something else in the picture, too. There was a sign taped to the side of his monitor.

It read simply, "Application Approved."


End file.
